Thoughs on Understanding

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Do you ever just feel like you’re giving one-hundred-percent and doing your best to run on empathy and love juices, just to be greeted with non-sensical (from the writers point of view) attacks? It’s normal, I’ve read about it and I’ve felt it, multiple times…

I write this as a way to vent about the fact that sometimes we feel attacked, down, obliterated. Obviously a lot of this comes down to relationships, love is complicated and at the same time, not. They say in the books that these should be fifty-fifty, you get what you give, but that’s not always the case and no, I’m not talking about dollar bills, but rather… understanding.

I am thick skinned, I am at the same time sensitive but bottle down, hard to read and… guess what, understand? No, not that hard if you try. People are complicated but not that complicated, every time you see someone down it’s usually because there’s something going on, but could it be you? With me, it’s mostly a constant internal fight with not feeling enough, which leads me to the next thought.

I am boring, uninteresting, people roll their eyes on me, or even worse, just go full blast on the good old “hmm hmm that’s nice”. I am constantly feeling the urge to go full nerd with ballistic missiles of stupid facts and boring knowledge I’ve accumulated while not socializing. This test is a basic thoughts dump on an invasive feeling I sometimes have, what feeling is that? The feeling of not being able to make a single tiny mistake, or all hell breaks loose.

You do your best, you work your ass off, you constantly try to be understanding and supportive to those around you but… a single mistake throws you into oblivion, why? Am i, like Dostoevsky says in Notes from Underground, a sick, spiteful, unattractive man? Well, I don’t think I’m spiteful, or even sick… unattractive? Sure am! at least I think so. I wish I could make a mistake and not have rocks thrown at me, I wish I could get as much understanding as I give others, I wish I could live a life of not being constantly afraid of fucking up, it’s tiring and difficult and I’ve dealt with that my whole life. Small comments hurt, outbursts for no reason hurt more.

Why am I actually writing this? What happened? You do your job as a human being, a partner even, you work towards a future that’s bright, beautiful, perhaps even perfect by some metrics. You sacrifice a little bit of yourself, you sacrifice a little bit of things you could get for yourself, you sacrifice… period. You have a deep belief that things will work, you believe in others but not yourself, you really, really, really try hard and are in a constant state of “I need to grind harder, I’m not doing enough”, and then, you make an insignificant mistake. Oh the mistake, “you’re a piece of shit, look at what you did!!! you broke that material thing that shouldn’t hold that much value, when compared to everything you give out!” I thought, but why? Why can’t the weight of this tiny mistake I didn’t do on purpose be reduced given the weight of the things I’ve done already? The things I still do? Am I that awful? Am I that stupid for making these mistakes when I have a constant storm running through my head, you need to do X, you need to do Y, Z, etc… it’s tiring, isn’t it ok to make a single tiny mistake? It’s just a material, insignificant thing, when compared to the rest, or it least it should be, I think, given the fact I give it all, I understand, but I’m not understood.

Relationships aren’t fifty-fifty on everything, but understanding, empathy, and the knowledge that you don’t fuck up on purpose on tiny things, again, when weighed on the rest, should be. Personally, I never get mad on insignificant things, unless you get mad at me for those insignificant things. Everything should be put into perspective, is the weight of the good things you do a lot heavier than the weight of the tiny material oopsie-dos you do? If so, is there a reason to get pissed off?

I seriously think, sometimes, all the time in fact, that I suck, I suck so much. How do I fix this? Easy! make absolutely 0 mistakes, insignificant or large ones, from your perspective or the perspective of others, just don’t make them, or all hell breaks loose. Remember, you need to be perfect, others have leeway to fail and make mistakes, but you, for god’s sake, don’t!!